That b%tch Goldielocks!

YO!

You ever had one of them days where you just want to karate chop people in the Adam's apple for no apparent reason other than them breathing? I find myself having these days more frequently. I sort of had one of those days today, but found solace in my inner being. I had gone grocery shopping in the suburbs the other weekend, which is quite a different experience than grocery shopping in Brooklyn or New York City (and please, feel free to read the inference of systemic racism between the lines, or not). Produce is actually the color it is supposed to be, meat is actually the color it is supposed to be. The even had pick up at the deli counter. You could place your deli order, then when your order was complete, they would announce that the order is ready for pick up (at your leisure, of course) over the loud speaker. Now that is good living. I picked up the household necessities, and I bought myself veal cutlets and FRESH mozzarella cheese so that I could make veal parmigiana. And to go along with it, I bought the softest french bread, even softer than my next door neighbors. My mouth just waters thinking about it. Well, the solace that I wrote about earlier was going to be dinner, veal parmigiana and french bread.

Upon my arrival this evening, I transformed into the chef that I am. I seasoned and breaded the cutlets, sliced the fresh mozzarella ever so thin as to enjoy the taste of the cheese, the sauce and the veal. What a medley! Then, I went to where I'd left my french bread. To my chagrin, the package had been opened and three fourths of the bread was gone. That bitch GOLDIELOCKS had broken into my house.......or was it my wife. I went into the bedroom to question, no, to interrogate my wife because a crime had been committed. I asked my wife, "Bub, did you eat any french bread?" She immediately gave me that look, that over the glasses, NEGRO PLEASE look. "No", she replied. "Not today, or you didn't have at all since I bought it?". "NO!"

SO, who the fugg ate my porridge? It was that bitch GOLDIELOCKS! And I am so gone......and hungry....and gone......

The Extra People

This post is about a particular subset of people who just HAVE to go the EXTRA mile to make their presence known. We know them as the EXTRA people. And it's not as if the EXTRA people seldom act extra; they do it ALL THE DAMN TIME. And we normal people, as if I fall into that category, try to avoid them at every expense, much like they have the cooties, not to get caught up in the extra-ness. I encountered an EXTRA person last night at the Maxwell concert here in NYC, which by the way was a decent show. Kudos to Maxwell, even if yo stankin ass look like Young Frankenstein with that haircut, but I digress. The extra person in question, a young lady who appeared to be in her late 20's, was undoubtedly a fan. But werent we all, hence the ticket purchase to see the concert in the first place? But she just happened to be....you guessed it.....a little EXTRA with her appreciation. She stood up, she jumped up and down, she yelled and screamed toward the stage, she sang and danced EXTRA HARD to every single last song the man sang, EVEN the unreleased songs. It's as if she looked to see what words he was forming with his mouth and tried to guess the word he would say, and sang the word she PRESUMED that would come out, often muttering garbledeegook! EXTRA.

And for those of you EXTRA persons who happen to be reading this, please observe concert etiquette at the next show you attend. You can be extra, but do it from the confines of your own gottt damn seat. I paid my fiftyleven dollars just like you did and would prefer not to hear nor see you, bastard!

And I'm gone.....but not forgotten.

John McCain for President!

Great morning good people! I am sitting here in a meeting for my good gubment job, wondering what kind of paint was used on the walls and whether they used an oil-based primer. Yes, it is that boring, but I digress.

Last night, I watched the second of three debates between Barack Obama and John McCain, the Democratic and Republican nominees for president, respectively. Both spoke of energy independence, their track records as senators, their plans for our fragile economy and other issues. McCain has previously stated that his military service and status as a P.O.W. better qualifies him for the office of President of the United States. My question is, and I may be going to hell wrapped in an American flag with 13 stars, but how does being a P.OW. qualify you to be President? You were a prisoner of war....what particular skills did you learn in captivity? Did you learn how to do 10,000 of those 1 handed push-ups consecutively a la Rocky Balboa? Did you learn how to make a zip gun out of a magazine and/or a newspaper? I'm sorry. I do respect your years of military service and years as a United States Senator but I do not understand the correlation with regard to leadership and being a P.O.W. Can someone make this clear for me?

And also, Obama, you been talking that talk but mug fugga you better have one HELL of a game plan. We are counting on you. On election day, everybody please, go out and exercise your right to vote. As RUN-DMC once rhymed in a song, "We got the right to vote, and will elect, and other rappers cant stand us, but give us respect!"

I'm and the KING OF ROCK and I'm gone......

Your favorite rapper's FAVORITE RAPPER

Howdy folk. Let's get straight to it today. What kind of fugged up world do we live in when your favorite rapper is ashamed to say that their choice of gainful employment is to be that of a rapper, but rather would be PROUD to be or have been a drug dealer? If that isnt some fugged up, bizarro-ghetto, bass ackward, Stockholm syndrome type of mentality, then I dont know what is. For those of you who dont know what Stockholm syndrome is, "Stockholm syndrome is a psychological response sometimes seen in an abducted hostage, in which the hostage shows signs of loyalty to the hostage-taker, regardless of the danger (or at least risk) in which they have been placed". So rappers, your brains have been abducted by the notion it is COOL to be a common CRIMINAL, a notion purveyed by major motions pictures, and music. If it were cool to be a criminal, jail would be like Ibiza; it would be a cool, exclusive place to visit when you wanted to be seen, or escape the doldrums everyday life. And the key to a hip vacation spot is that you can leave when you want!

And rappers, since when is it cool to have done a bid in prison? Doing a bid means that YOU GOT CAUGHT! WTF. You werent intelligent enough to get away with whatever crime your were trying to commit, thus, in essence, you are celebrating incompetence when you announce, "I did to 3-to-9!". And lastly, before I retreat the the confines of good gubment employment, does anyone else think T-Pain is Bootsy Collins' illegitimate bastard child?

Irreplaceable

Some things are irreplaceable. Not the tangible items that are vested with sentimental memories of moments past, but your regular everyday goods. Some things you just dont skimp on as there is no substitute. Let me list a few:

Clorox bleach - if you are using store brand bleach, that is the very reason you have ring around the collar

Reynolds Wrap Aluminum foil - that other sh%t is some left over transistor from your father's 8-track stereo that was recycled into foil.

Glad handle tie trash bags - I'm sure it's more cost effective to purchase the $.99 cent good sense trash bags, but as soon as there is 1 grain of rice too many in your trash, the "garbage juice" that has settled in the bottom of your trash bag will be on your hands.

Dove soap - Ah, the clean!

Dove deodorant - again, ah the clean! [actually, the Dove items are a matter of personal preference so I will accept substitutes in their stead]

Gulden's Spicy Brown Mustard - That YELLOW French's bullshit looks and tastes like antelope piss. Yes, I do know what antelope piss tastes like, I've been around.

Heinz ketchup - WHAT THE FCUK is CATSUP? That shit dont even sound right. That particular catsup condiment is what was up the cats bowels!

Hellmans REAL mayonnaise - I consider eating Miracle Whip or anything of the sort communism.

My list goes on ad nauseum but I shall spare you this time. But feel free to add your own "irreplaceables". Much like Tupac and Danny Boy, I aint mad atcha...but I am....Justin Timberlake.....GONE!

My midlife crisis

I was recently confronted with a new reality that has affected the core of my being like nothing else before. My Black ass is getting old, which is not entirely a bad thing, but it's different to say the least. At the beginning of the year, I had one lonely white hair in my goatee....nothing major at all. Last night's count was seven. I used to think salt and pepper hair was cool....on other people. But gray hair really isn't a gauge of antiquity (actually, gray pubic hair is and I haven't counted them, yet, I digress). The true gauge of me getting old.....I find myself wearing pajamas nowadays! And before you people even get it twisted, NO, I do not wear a set, just the bottoms, but if that ain't some old man shit, I don't know what is! I used to find myself in bed in a pair of boxers. These days, I have at least 7 pajama bottoms. What has become of my life? Oh the agony! Is my midlife crisis upon me? How do I solve it? A Porsche, some young college thing thing who was born the year I graduated high school? Please people, tell me what to do! Is this what life has become? Work, taxes and pajama bottoms? I need to know how the story ends.

and I am gone......

Why Juice, WHY?

THAT day has finally come. Judgement Day has cometh.....for the Juice. Orenthal James Simpson, better known to you and me as "O.J. Simpson" was found guilty on 12 charges, 11 of them felonies, with regard to his robbery and kidnapping case. And in a fitting, poignant twist of fate, the verdict came 13 years to the day that he was acquitted of killing Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown Simpson.

My question is, "Why JUICE, WHY?" Why you gotta be such a fuggin fugg up? You KNOW Mr. Whitey been after you for these last 13 years non-stop cuz you is (I have to use the ebonic venacular to get my point across) the ONLY n-word who EVER got off at trial. You beat Mr. White Folk at his own dirty game and afterwards, you threw it in his face, still parading around town with them Barbie dolls, playing golf and talking shit. O.J, you was supposed to lay low and chill. But no, you had to be "BOUT IT, BOUT IT". The last few years of your life have been like a bad Master P movie (although any and ALL Master P movies are que horrible!). Johnnie Cochran just called me from the afterlife and he told me to tell you that you are one dumb nigga, O.J.!! Nigga, the gloves aint fit! You shoulda sat your old arthritic ass down, you dumb summumabitch. Now you know Mr. White Folks aint letting you out of the bing now. You done played your last 18 holes, smoked your last cigar, ran with your last Samsonite bag and jumped your last airport bench and killed your last white girl, Juice. And I'm sorry to see your OLD 61 year old ass go to jail, but.........two tears in a bucket, Juice. And Juice, please dont call A.C. from jail and tell him to come get you in the white Ford Bronco.....I'm still mad at y'all futha muckas for interrupting the 1994 NBA finals featuring MY NEW YORK KNICKERBOCKERS. And what self respecting Black man drives a Ford Bronco, anyway? Be easy Juice, be easy.

And I'm......**poof**

It's 2008 and I'm scared for my life.

It has been a minute, but life happens...rather, SHIT happens. We get busy with the conundrum called life and its daily rituals. But alas, I am back in a major way.

Yes good people, it is the year 2008, Ano Domini and I am scared SHITLESS. Why you ask. Well, let me put it in perspective. George W. Bush, #43, done ass fu*ked us all. The American economy is like a fat woman is a XS thong; it is one cheeseburger away from tearing to shreds and exposing the unshaven nether regions that we NEVER wanted to see. And its all W's fault. You know why it's his fault....well let me tell you. Back in Sept of 2001, there was this BIG terrorist attack on the United States, aimed at completely destroying our ECONOMIC system (isn't that what they said?). And what did W do to prevent the economic collapse that the terrorists had hoped for? He started spending money instead of stacking chips. He financed a war and it wasn't his money he was spending, it was good ol' US of futha muckin A taxpayer money, spending BILLIONS of dollars a month. Now, I can buy like 2 gallons of gas at a time because I cant afford it and banks are failing at an unbelievable rate. Soon, I will return to putting money under my mattress. So, 7 years later, our economy is on the brink, we are still at war, and Osama is officially still missing. Thanks W!

And to make matters even worse, we have Sarah Palin running for VPOTUS (that's Vice President of the United States for those challenged by acronyms). This chick went on NATIONAL TV and said her foreign policy experience is relegated by Alaska's proximity to Russia and Canada. WTF! John McCain is 50leven years old. Should he win, he wouldn't make it past inauguration...he'd probably keel over from all the excitement. And then where would that leave us. I feel like I am in a very bad Spike Lee movie and no one is screaming "WAAAAAAKE UUUPPPPPP"!!! Please, someone pinch me or slap me to awaken me, but not both, and tell me it will all be better tomorrow.

Yes people, I am scared and so should you be. And I'm gone, and back at the same time! Y'all be cool.