Irreplaceable

Some things are irreplaceable. Not the tangible items that are vested with sentimental memories of moments past, but your regular everyday goods. Some things you just dont skimp on as there is no substitute. Let me list a few:

Clorox bleach - if you are using store brand bleach, that is the very reason you have ring around the collar

Reynolds Wrap Aluminum foil - that other sh%t is some left over transistor from your father's 8-track stereo that was recycled into foil.

Glad handle tie trash bags - I'm sure it's more cost effective to purchase the $.99 cent good sense trash bags, but as soon as there is 1 grain of rice too many in your trash, the "garbage juice" that has settled in the bottom of your trash bag will be on your hands.

Dove soap - Ah, the clean!

Dove deodorant - again, ah the clean! [actually, the Dove items are a matter of personal preference so I will accept substitutes in their stead]

Gulden's Spicy Brown Mustard - That YELLOW French's bullshit looks and tastes like antelope piss. Yes, I do know what antelope piss tastes like, I've been around.

Heinz ketchup - WHAT THE FCUK is CATSUP? That shit dont even sound right. That particular catsup condiment is what was up the cats bowels!

Hellmans REAL mayonnaise - I consider eating Miracle Whip or anything of the sort communism.

My list goes on ad nauseum but I shall spare you this time. But feel free to add your own "irreplaceables". Much like Tupac and Danny Boy, I aint mad atcha...but I am....Justin Timberlake.....GONE!

My midlife crisis

I was recently confronted with a new reality that has affected the core of my being like nothing else before. My Black ass is getting old, which is not entirely a bad thing, but it's different to say the least. At the beginning of the year, I had one lonely white hair in my goatee....nothing major at all. Last night's count was seven. I used to think salt and pepper hair was cool....on other people. But gray hair really isn't a gauge of antiquity (actually, gray pubic hair is and I haven't counted them, yet, I digress). The true gauge of me getting old.....I find myself wearing pajamas nowadays! And before you people even get it twisted, NO, I do not wear a set, just the bottoms, but if that ain't some old man shit, I don't know what is! I used to find myself in bed in a pair of boxers. These days, I have at least 7 pajama bottoms. What has become of my life? Oh the agony! Is my midlife crisis upon me? How do I solve it? A Porsche, some young college thing thing who was born the year I graduated high school? Please people, tell me what to do! Is this what life has become? Work, taxes and pajama bottoms? I need to know how the story ends.

and I am gone......

Why Juice, WHY?

THAT day has finally come. Judgement Day has cometh.....for the Juice. Orenthal James Simpson, better known to you and me as "O.J. Simpson" was found guilty on 12 charges, 11 of them felonies, with regard to his robbery and kidnapping case. And in a fitting, poignant twist of fate, the verdict came 13 years to the day that he was acquitted of killing Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown Simpson.

My question is, "Why JUICE, WHY?" Why you gotta be such a fuggin fugg up? You KNOW Mr. Whitey been after you for these last 13 years non-stop cuz you is (I have to use the ebonic venacular to get my point across) the ONLY n-word who EVER got off at trial. You beat Mr. White Folk at his own dirty game and afterwards, you threw it in his face, still parading around town with them Barbie dolls, playing golf and talking shit. O.J, you was supposed to lay low and chill. But no, you had to be "BOUT IT, BOUT IT". The last few years of your life have been like a bad Master P movie (although any and ALL Master P movies are que horrible!). Johnnie Cochran just called me from the afterlife and he told me to tell you that you are one dumb nigga, O.J.!! Nigga, the gloves aint fit! You shoulda sat your old arthritic ass down, you dumb summumabitch. Now you know Mr. White Folks aint letting you out of the bing now. You done played your last 18 holes, smoked your last cigar, ran with your last Samsonite bag and jumped your last airport bench and killed your last white girl, Juice. And I'm sorry to see your OLD 61 year old ass go to jail, but.........two tears in a bucket, Juice. And Juice, please dont call A.C. from jail and tell him to come get you in the white Ford Bronco.....I'm still mad at y'all futha muckas for interrupting the 1994 NBA finals featuring MY NEW YORK KNICKERBOCKERS. And what self respecting Black man drives a Ford Bronco, anyway? Be easy Juice, be easy.

And I'm......**poof**

It's 2008 and I'm scared for my life.

It has been a minute, but life happens...rather, SHIT happens. We get busy with the conundrum called life and its daily rituals. But alas, I am back in a major way.

Yes good people, it is the year 2008, Ano Domini and I am scared SHITLESS. Why you ask. Well, let me put it in perspective. George W. Bush, #43, done ass fu*ked us all. The American economy is like a fat woman is a XS thong; it is one cheeseburger away from tearing to shreds and exposing the unshaven nether regions that we NEVER wanted to see. And its all W's fault. You know why it's his fault....well let me tell you. Back in Sept of 2001, there was this BIG terrorist attack on the United States, aimed at completely destroying our ECONOMIC system (isn't that what they said?). And what did W do to prevent the economic collapse that the terrorists had hoped for? He started spending money instead of stacking chips. He financed a war and it wasn't his money he was spending, it was good ol' US of futha muckin A taxpayer money, spending BILLIONS of dollars a month. Now, I can buy like 2 gallons of gas at a time because I cant afford it and banks are failing at an unbelievable rate. Soon, I will return to putting money under my mattress. So, 7 years later, our economy is on the brink, we are still at war, and Osama is officially still missing. Thanks W!

And to make matters even worse, we have Sarah Palin running for VPOTUS (that's Vice President of the United States for those challenged by acronyms). This chick went on NATIONAL TV and said her foreign policy experience is relegated by Alaska's proximity to Russia and Canada. WTF! John McCain is 50leven years old. Should he win, he wouldn't make it past inauguration...he'd probably keel over from all the excitement. And then where would that leave us. I feel like I am in a very bad Spike Lee movie and no one is screaming "WAAAAAAKE UUUPPPPPP"!!! Please, someone pinch me or slap me to awaken me, but not both, and tell me it will all be better tomorrow.

Yes people, I am scared and so should you be. And I'm gone, and back at the same time! Y'all be cool.

Intellectual siphons

Great morning good people!

It is 10:03 am, and I am here at my 9 to 5, which oftentime feels like a 5 to 9.  I've been at my place of employment for just about 5 years and to date, I feel like my intelligence quotient score has fallen by at least 30 points.  Do you ever feel like you work with and around intellectual siphons -- people who drain every bit of wit and common sense you have by just being in their presence?  It seems that is ALL i work around.  I can NOT have an intellectual conversation which spurs healthy debate or dialogue UNLESS it is about America's Next Top Model. [side bar: do any of them top model broads get work after leaving that show?]  By definition, to siphon means, "to convey, draw off, or empty by or as if by a siphon —often used with off" as per Webster's Dictionary.  Well, these bastards have emptied what was left of my mental acumen, not because I actively engage in the "unscholarly" debate, but rather for a lack of actual discourse in which issues of substance are discussed; my mind has atrophied.  Now let me also say that flippant discussion has merit as well, just not 100% of the time.  I am one of the first persons to argue over who's the better MC - Biggie or Tupac.  However, I can also discuss how the Campaign for Fiscal Equity's lawsuit will affect NYC educational policy.  And I should not always have to hear things like crunchy cheese doodles go better with a ham & cheese sandwiches as opposed to puffy cheese doodles, or how playing along with WHEEL OF FORTUNE last night, you got all the answers correct, except the last one!  [side bar: wouldn't that mean you STILL LOST?]

Brangelina, Gay couples, and adoption.

Good morning Vietnam!  Yes, I am BACK on U.S. soil and glad to be here once again.  My vacation was great and it was much needed.  I need to quickly devise a scheme (plan) that will make me a multi-millionaire whose money works for him so I can take transcontinental jaunts at the drop of a dime.  While I was gone, several celebrities passed away.  What the hell is up with all these people dying recently? -- Bernie Mac, Isaac Hayes, Congresswoman Tubbs-Jones, Gene Upshaw (president of the NFL Players Association), and SHO NUFF, the shogun of Harlem (from the Last Dragon, if you know not what I speak of, backhand yourself immediately and with force).  May they all rest in peace.  We all need to take time to do what he have and need to do so that we can do what we want to do.  I may bitch and complain from time to time, but hell, I'm NOT ready to go just yet.  In quoting the rapper Nas, "Life's a bitch, but God forbid that bitch divorce me".

[insert awkward transition here]

Ok, onto the subject of this blog.  Brangelina and all them gott damn rainbow coalition kids.  I'm sorry, but I just cant keep count of how many she has (mostly cuz I dont give a FLYING FUCKERY).  I know she just had twins and she adopted the lil Ethiopian girl and lil Asian boy and there are some more in the mix somewhere.  But WHY oh WHY do lily white Angelina and Brad want to adopt other races, ethnicities, nationalities?  Not saying that they shouldnt.....as a matter of fact, I applaud them for being responsible and caring enough to take on the challenge.  But with all the complexities of being a minority in America, how are they going to cope, comfort, explain and/or empathize with [insert lil Ethiopian Brangelina adoptee name here]  when she comes home from school and tells them that someone called her a nigger?  How are they going to cope, comfort, explain and/or empathize with [insert lil Asian Brangelina adoptee name here] when he comes home from school and tells them that someone called him a gook?  How are they going to cope, comfort, explain and/or empathize or deal when [insert lil Ethiopian Brangelina adoptee name here ] and  [insert lil Asian Brangelina adoptee name here] get into an argument and start calling each other all types of niggers and gooks?  God forbid their natural children get into the fracas, then it'll be niggers, and honkeys and gooks, OH MY!!!!! 

And, I was watching some program with a lesbian couple, when one turned to the other and said, "I want to have children with you".  Yeah, I'd like to see that too as you BOTH HAVE VAGINAS.  She should have said that she wanted to RAISE kids with her partner.  With regard to adoption, is that healthy....having two moms or two dads?  Sure, you are putting a child in a home and taking a child out of "the system", but is the trade off the years of therapy that the kids will need from that one time when he/she opened mom & mom's or dad & dad's bedroom door (not that it cant happen with a hetero couple, but for my blogs sake, let me embellish), or the non-stop ribbing they will get from classmates.  Kids are cruel sumbiches and if your classmates know that you have 2 moms or two dads, that's like giving (this gott damn $3.87 per gallon) gasoline to a pyromaniac. 

What say you about this?  

Testimonial...from the high seas

Hey all...its now 6:26pm, Wednesday August 13, 2008, in the year of our lord. Right now, I'm on a cruise ship somewhere between Mexico and the Cayman Islands. And for what its worth, sometimes you just gotta take time out to praise God. Yes, this heathen is thanking the Lord for his manu blessings; health, wealth, wisdom, family, friends. I am fortunate enough to be on this cruise, to have a good job, to be behind in my rent and still have a roof over my head. I am blessed and and I know God and Jesus are holding me down.

And Lord, I am asking you for forgiveness now because I'm sure you'll prolly think a lot less of me come my next post about foreigners who work on U.S. cruise ships.

Amen...and I'm gone.....

Top 4 reasons why BIG girls shouldnt wear bikinis

Greetings people. I am currently sunning myself on a cruise of the western caribbean, and may I tell you, this cruise is a source of inspiration. Check out my top 4 reasons big girls should NOT, under any circumstances, wear bikinis:
4. Your weight is over 100 lbs on ametric scale.
3. Your stomach and it's dimples can be mistaken for an angry face.
2. Your rolls have kids and grandrolls.
1. It's just plain nasty!

The Difference between Black People and White People

I bet you thought I would write some profound, major innate difference between Black people and White people, but, sorry to bust your BUBBLE, there really is no difference. Yes, there are subtle nuances that make each race unique but at the end of the day, we are all human. But, I do have a few questions that I would like answered:

• Why do White people all yell that same "WOOOOOOOOOOO" yell, especially White women? I mean, a White person could be at a funeral for a deceased relative and hear the priest say, "He lived as a decent, humble man", and someone in the pews would break out with that "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!". Do y'all go to school to learn that or is that part of your genetic composition?


• How come Black people have "ALL-WHITE parties" all damn summer long? Damn, can we think of something else....maybe an all PURPLE AND GOLD party or something? And what if a White person showed up naked? Could you really fault them?

I have more questions, but right now, they escape me. I will be back.

The Post office and neighborhood supermarkets

Good people, can someone please explain to me why certain supermarkets and post offices have 50-11 check out aisles and retail service windows respectively, YET, there will only be 2 staff members manning aisle/window #1 and aisle/window #5 ?  And there are usually about 10 other cashiers/staffers who work there in the supermarket/post office but they are on break, or just walking around, eating, or talking some BULLSHIT about another absent employee.  The above picture is the post office located on 125th Street in Harlem.  The picture was taken with my cell phone, hence the poor quality; that and I was rushing to take the picture.  I didn't want the powers that be in the post office to think I was an urban terrorist, taking pictures of a possible target, --like I would want to blow up the post office in Harlem...I'd rather blow up some of the housing projects but that's another post-- so in lieu of being tackled to the ground and beaten with a stack of $.23 cent stamps and bubble wrap, I took a bad pic (forgive me).  But notice (if you can) in the pic, aint a MUTHA fugga working those gott damn windows.  SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIT (a la Sen. Clay Davis).

and I'm gone..............