The Laundry Touchers

As per the by-laws of the cooperative in which I live, no shareholder is authorized to have a washing machine or dryer on the premises in their individual unit. Thus, I must use the laundry room that is located in the building on the ground level, or, take my clothes to an external laundry facility. Yesterday, on a brisk Sunday, my wife and I decided to do our laundry. Again, it is a common room that all shareholders have access to. Now a typical load of laundry takes about 38 minutes, give or take. Because I am a jack of all trades and a master of none, I do not have the time to sit in the laundry room whilst the clothes are washing. It behooves me to conduct other constructive activities in the interim. I find it completely reasonable that I return to the laundry room 45 minutes later to retrieve my freshly laundered linens and place them in the dryer. Lo and behold, upon my return to the laundry room, someone had removed my clothes from the washing machine so that they may use it. 45-38 is 7 (yes, sometimes I am mathematically inclined), so my clothes were in the machine for an extra couple of minutes. That poor rat bastard was so impatient that he/she could not wait? Was it that imperative that they wash at that specific moment?

See, the clothes that I washed were of no particular importance or value, but this has happened to me previously, when washing my undergarments, also known as MY DRAWZ! Now, what kind of NASTY SUMBITCH are you to fondled someone else drawz, laundered or not? That is some nasty sh%t? I would NEVER take someones funky arse crustified, jism'd up, hershey squirted down, frillies out of a washing machine so that I could use it. It's downright nasty and rude to say the least. And to the person who did it yesterday, as well as in the past, I say to you, "POX be upon your laundry. May bleach spill on your coloreds, may your whites stay soiled, and I hope you have several of my pubic hairs under your fingernails! Nasty bastard!"

ok, I'm cool now. Thanks for letting me vent. And I'm gone......

Let me see you...TOOTSIE ROLL

Yo,

We are zooming into the year 2009 and I have a question burning in my mind? Who in the fugg eats Tootsie Rolls in this day and age? They look disgusting and taste equally as disgusting. They look like chihuahua sh*t. They look like someone cut off Flavor Flav's fingers and packaged them neatly.

And I imagine they taste like sh*t as well. Not that I am a shit tasting connoisseur, but, I imagine if for some God-forsaken reason I ever had to ingest some fecal matter, it would taste like a Tootsie Roll. Tootsie Rolls should be used for torturing inmates in prison, and Guantanamo Bay and the like; Tootsie Rolls and black licorice. They act up, shove about 7 strands of black licorice and 4 Tootsie Rolls in their mouth at the same time. They wont talk, and you need information, shove 19 Tootsie Rolls and 2 black licorice in their mouths...then pour Red Devil hot sauce in their eyes and put garlic peels in their nose. Obviously, I have had too much time to think about this...but yeah, this is what I do.

And I'm gone.........

What is that smell?

People,

Have you ever had one of those days where you smell a particular stench and you cant place it, and there are no reasonable suspect nor clues around so that your resort to thinking that it might be you? I am kinda having one of those days. I am at my usual place of business....no, not the corner.....and I smell something horrifically (is that a word) foul. It smells like a shitburger with a large order of fries. Usually, I would think it is my coworker. He usually smells like a fresh, early morning cow patty, or an old sock, and sometimes the combination of the two. However, he is not in the office at the moment and I have RENUZED and sanitized his area with an industrial strength germicide and antiseptic spray, repeatedly. Yet, the smell is still in the air.

I love the smell of napalm in the morning......not the smell of ass lint. This smell is killing me, and I can not place it. Could it be possible that as I traversed these mean New York City streets that I stepped in something so foul smelling that it is beyond reproach? I know it can not be anything that I am clothed in because I wash my own gott damn clothes and I wash them with TIDE (with bleach alternative). And for the $50-11 dollars that TIDE costs, my clothes better smell as fresh as newborn baby ass after a diaper change. WHAT THE FUGG is this odor. I cant call it good people, I cant call it.

Change.....and spare change.

Good afternoon good people. Today, this fifth day of November, I am posting for the first time in about 2 weeks and so much has happened since then. Last night, Barack Hussein Obama handed John McCain an arse whooping for the ages, becoming the President-elect of the United States. Now, I'm sure we can all revel in the significance of this momentous occurrence, however, it is my wish that the energy, drive, and passion it took to get this far is not lost because Obama won. Yes, he won. But, there is still work to be done and the same passion and commitment that was used to get him elected needs to be used to affect the change we all hope for. Then, and only then, in the face of a imploding economy, can we have some spare change in our pockets, because as of now, my arse is broke. Please Obama, bring some SPARE CHANGE with you to the White House (are we still going to call it the White House?). Yes, money is the SPARE CHANGE that we can ALL believe in. When I see Obama, I don't see Black or White, I see GREEN! Show me the money Barack, show me the money! YES, WE CAN. YES WE DID!

YES I'M GONE!