Thursday, December 18, 2008

New York City Nuances

How come you cant get good pizza, bagels, and chinese food outside of New York City? Now, you non-native New Yorkers might find offense in that blanket statement only if you have never ventured to NY to a pizza shop, the bagel shop/deli, or a Chinese restaurant. My explanation is that these types of restaurants in other locales are too clean; they dont have that yo no se que (sp?).....that particular New York filth, grease and grime about them. Filth, grease and grime are New York nuances.

In addition to the NY nuances listed above, has anyone else ever noticed the NYC bodega nuance(s)?? Most, if not damn near all bodegas (or maybe it's just the ones I frequent) have NO cash register. The add the cash total of the items you purchase on a big calculator! And they keep the "menudo" or "cambia" in an old cigar box. And there always seems to be a cat in the store. Now, I am not opposed to pets, BUT, I would rather not have Fluffy climbing about my $.25 cent bag of Wise BBQ potato chips or rubbing up against the Bounty paper towel that I need! But, in any event, I LOVE NEW YORK!!


and um gone....

Thursday, December 11, 2008

The trials and tribulations of BILLS

Is it possible for one to have trials without tribulations? The thing is, when you hear someone speak about difficult times, and a period of hardship, they ALWAYS say trials AND tribulations. Can't you just have one or the other? Can't a person just have some tribulations? And as my man Forrest Gump says, "That's all I got to say about that.....Jen-nny!"

And one other thing has been on my mind. If you are like me, and I pray for your sake that you are not, you receive junk mail and catalogs galore. Usually, these items are addressed as such:

Mr. John Smith
OR Current resident
123 ABC Street
New York, NY 11111

I'm saying, can the company that sent this mailing make up their fuggin mind? Is it for me or not? And what if I am the current resident. But notice how they dont do that with bills. I am hereby requesting that henceforth, all my bills be addressed in the same fashion, to me or the current resident. Let that current resident bastard pay some of my exceesive debt since he'll be receiving mail that is POSSIBLY addressed to me!

I think I will put this in writing to my state senator, my congressperson, and president-elect obama.

and I'm gone.....

Thursday, December 4, 2008

If it aint rough, it aint right.

For the record, pork is pork, beef is beef, fish is fish, and poultry is poultry. Please DONT ever ask me if I want turkey bacon. What the hell is turkey bacon? Did a turkey and a pig have intimate relations? I need to know. And I swear on Daniel Day-Lewis' left foot that if anyone ever tries to feed me "tofurkey", I will continously thrash them about head and shoulders with said tofurkey and a bag full of rusty buffalo head nickels. Seriously, who thought up meatless meat?

Anyway, on a lighter note, and especially since I've already written a similar post, I digress into the Plaxico Burress situation. First of all, who in THEE FUGG, not to be confused with the fugg, named this man? What the fugg is a Plaxico? Did his momma sneeze when they asked her what she was going to name him? Imagine.....

Dr: "Ma'am, so what are you going to name the baby Burress"
Mrs. Burress: "ACHOOOOOPLAXICO"
Dr. "God bless you. Now repeat that for me"

C'mon dude, really, how are you going to get into trouble and your first name is Plaxico? Now you have reporters all over the country fuggin up the newscasts trying to pronounce your damn name. And Chedda Bob Burress, if you havent been shamed enough, you shot yourself. You SHOT YOURSELF! What kinda teammate is Antonio Pierce? Wasnt he there with you? If I were with one of my friends, and said friend shot themself, I would take the fall, if for nothing else than to make the story more plausible and less assholish. Plax, just put some tofurkey on that gunshot wound and you'll be ok....

and I'm gone.....to the roof!

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Da Luminum Foil Chronicles


(note: Mrs. Microphone Master, Super Rhyme Maker - I have added you to my blog list so that you can be kept in the loop with my writing....and this post is about you dear!)


Tis the season to be jolly, fa la la la BULLsh!t. How can I be jolly with the world's economy and my pockets imploding? Well, at least I have my health, and my teeth, and a lifetime supply of aluminum foil. I swear, I used to think that my grandmother, GOD bless her, used A LOT of aluminum foil....a hell of a lot. If there were ONE solitary pea left over from dinner, it would get wrapped up. A slice of bread, let's get to wrapping.....a lemon wedge, a whole turkey, 3 grains of rice, WATER....yes, it would get wrapped up. But my ever-loving wife has taken the crown.

I swear when I die, my funeral will not be costly because my wife is just gonna wrap my arse in aluminum foil and put me in the refrigerator. My wife wraps EVERYTHING in aluminum foil. I categorically blind myself on a daily basis just going in my refrigerator. Who woulda thunk that I would need special sunglasses to grab some leftovers? That glare from the light in the fridge reflecting off of the foil is worse than looking directly at the sun. And no wonder I still have a tan; I went to the western Caribbean in August...and it's December! Yup, you guessed it - I exercise tan maintenance by going into my refrigerator. The reflected and refracted light from the foil ever so gently kisses my skin, exciting my melanin.

People, just do me a favor. When that time comes, and my number is called and I am no more, please make sure that my wife wraps me in REYNOLDS WRAP. That store bought stuff is no good. Thanks! That's all I ask. And I'm gone......love ya hun! LOL.